I always thought that once you decide to start a family, you
toss the birth control, give it the old college try, and then
BAM! There you are in your cute maternity jeans going
shopping for baby furniture and booking your family trip
to Disney World. I was surely mistaken. We suffered through
four years of numerous infertility treatments: IUI (intrauterine
insemination), IVF (in vitro fertilization), and other fertility
acronyms, injected boxes of fertility medications and
hormones, suffered through multiple early term miscarriages,
wished upon countless baby “good luck” charms, not to
mention the crushed dreams and emotional pain that went
hand in hand with this journey. Finally my husband and I
decided that we had endured enough of putting my body
and soul through the torture of trying to get pregnant; at
the same time, we didn’t want to give up our dream of having
a child genetically related to us. According to Resolve,
a leading infertility advocacy organization, infertility affects
7.3 million people in the United States.
Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female
partner, one-third to the male partner and one-third to
a combination of factors that either affect both partners or
cannot be explained. Our infertility was diagnosed as “unexplained”.
Despite being told that were perfect candidates for
IVF and considering our young age of 29 – with no apparent
issues, and responding well to each cycle of medicine – we
were not successful with maintaining a pregnancy. Following
our fifth failed IVF cycle, we visited my wonderful fertility
doctor to discuss our options. We had several frozen embryos
remaining and could try IVF, by means of a FET (frozen embryo
transfer), again on me with our frozen embryos. The chances
of success were like playing a game of Russian roulette and
our doctor was not very optimistic. As much as I wanted to be
the one to carry my baby, my desire to have a family overcame
this feeling and our doctor approved for us to move forward
with surrogacy.
My husband was thrilled about this option. On the other
hand, I was freaked out and was initially upset with the
decision. At first, I did not fully come to terms with the fact
that I personally would not be the one carrying our child or
experiencing being pregnant and being in control the way I
would do it (i.e. eating organically, prenatal yoga classes,
etc). My pregnant friends casually stated that they
were so jealous of our surrogacy decision saying things
like, “at least you won’t get fat”, or “at least you won’t get
morning sickness”. These types of statements initially
made me extremely upset, ie. “thanks so much for reminding
me of what I won’t be able to experience…really, do you
think I am excited about not being able to carry my own
child?” I now realize that people don’t mean harm with these
innocuous statements and I was overly sensitive coming off
another failed round of fertility treatments. At this point my
husband, family, and friends were used to my outbursts of
tears when broaching this subject. The process moved forward.
Finding a surrogacy agency, a surrogate, an attorney,
finalizing medical and psychological testing, finishing the
gestational surrogacy contract and having the surrogatestart the fertility medications took
approximately 6 months.
During that time, I was able to fully process the surrogacy
journey and actually feel excited about the opportunity. We
are blessed that we can afford this option as it can range from
$60,000 to $100,000 plus. Expenses incurred include, the IVF
procedure, medications, two different attorneys, one for
surrogate and one for us, surrogate insurance, surrogacy
agency fee, and the reasonable living expenses of the surrogate.
My husband and I interviewed multiple candidates
before selecting our amazing surrogate. The first surrogate
we disqualified; based on her strong religious beliefs, she
would not agree to termination or selective reduction of the
fetus/fetuses in the event of a life threatening problem. The
second potential surrogate was excluded; when screened
she was found to have a sexually transmitted disease. The
third time was most delightfully the charm! Once we met our
surrogate and her husband, we knew that she/they would
be perfect for us. She was warm, friendly, positive, and genuinely
excited to help us build a family. Her husband, two children,
and large extended family were also all very supportive
of her undertaking this journey. Even her grandmother, who
we affectionately now call our “surrogate granny”, could not
wait to get started. For the embryo transfer our surrogate
stayed with us since she lived far from our fertility clinic. It
was a great bonding experience as we relaxed on the couch
following the FET. Two embryos were selected by our doctor
and her embryologist and these were transferred into
her uterus. We watched endless episodes of Orange is the
New Black, ate lots of healthy food, and learned more about
each other and our families. It was a very special time. Then
came the dreaded waiting period. Following each fertility
treatment, it takes approximately ten days, the 2ww (2
week wait), to discover whether a procedure works. Fast
forward only four days after the embryo transfer and I’m
at work on a conference call. I receive a text message and
the voice on my conference call becomes a blur. All I can focus
on is a picture of a positive pregnancy test on my phone;
I was in shock. How does it show so early? Is this for real? I
have been waiting for this image for 4 years!
Quickly arrives the ten day mark for the pregnancy test and not only is our surrogate officially pregnant, her pregnancy hormone levels are extremely high, indicating twins! My husband and I are thrilled but are also in a state of shock. It is very hard to process this working for us when for so long we were used to disappointing news. Our surrogate’s positive outlook and wishful thinking truly inspired us enjoy this initial good news. To our amazement, the second trimester rolled around and my husband and I hopped in the car and travelled 4 hours to attend the gender ultrasound. We were overjoyed to learn that she was pregnant with twin boys. During the pregnancy, the surrogate and I would communicate almost daily on how she was feeling, how our respective families were doing, and we even became Facebook friends. For the doctor appointments that we could not make due to the distance, she would video tape the ultrasounds and send us pictures. I followed up and spoke to a nurse after each appointment. Our surrogate was truly incredible during the entire process and was genuinely excited for our gestating twins. Prior to my infertility experience, I practiced transactional law.
My surrogacy journey and years of experience with
infertility has now inspired me to practice surrogacy
law, in addition to transactional law, so that I can help
in the process to provide other options to build a
family. I know it can be a daunting prospect when first
considering surrogacy and I hope to be able to break
the system down for couples to better understand the
process and legal implications with using a surrogate.
We feel incredibly blessed and are even among
celebrities that have ventured down the surrogacy road
such as Jimmy Fallon, Elizabeth Banks, Giuliana Rancic,
Nicole Kidman, Ricky Martin, Sarah Jessica Parker,
and Elton John. Additionally, we have received such
incredible support and love from our friends, family,
community and new surrogacy family to help make
what seemed like the impossible become a reality. Four
years later after initially deciding to start a family, my
husband and I and our supportive friends have grown
incredibly close during this process; you truly learn the
quality of a relationship when tested with a challenge.
This experience has shaped my career in inspiring me
to practice surrogacy and reproductive technology law
which will ultimately help others through the infertility
process. I never would have imagined this series of events
happening, but in hindsight, I would not have changed
anything either as it has shaped and will continue to
shape who our family is today in a significant manner.
