Go F* Yourself. The Moms and Dads guide to keeping the knot tied.

by Lauren Millman
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The proverbial F-word. But this isn’t the f-bomb you think. Not yet. Here’s a little scenario you may be able to relate to; You’ve told him, or her, or thought of saying, “go-f-yourself”, or some variation thereof . But now, it’s your time, and your turn, to go Find yourself. That’s right.

The big F here, is for find. Did you watch this weekend’s debut of “The Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce”, and realize that you and Abby (or you and Jake), are living parallel lives? You’re not alone if you think the shows’ characters are unique. In fact, there are a lot of Abbys’ and Jakes’ out there. I see them daily in my practice, and the biggest question they come to me with is “why”. Why does he/she have to act that way, and what can I do.

Realtionships are wonderful when they’re wonderful and really awful when they’re not. Separation and divorce are no easy matters either. I see individuals and couples in my practice at their breaking points, but I prefer to see them, either separately or together, and sometimes both, before the sh*t hits the fan and everything blows out into high heck. Jake and Abby are typical, and there are many Jakes and Abbys’ out there, to varying degrees, who could really benefit from saving what they’ve got.

We get so wrapped up in misery and anger that it becomes our second nature, without even stopping to realize what those things are that we’re actually bothered or angered by. People do change, but more often that not, we get into “ruts”, and our relationships become like tightly-woven ropes, glued at the end, without a shred of leeway or anything to catch the unravel. Like the parent-to-child relationship, if you drop your end of the rope, the other person really doesn’t have much to go on, and is obliged out of the conversation. Relationships are similar in that when we take the time to step out of our anger, and give ourselves space to be, and think, we realize that the many perceived things we’re upset, angered or bothered by, we’re really not; that they’re just things we’ve decided and chosen to pick on because of the general feelings we’re having at those moments. And they can change.

Are you really at your wits end, out of love and in hateful bliss, or could there be shreds of opportunity to make some tweaks and changes, to understand why your partner does certain things, to choose to not pick on the little things, and to let your partner off the hook in the face of offering an olive branch, and allow yourself to see the good that has been masked by perception, anger, and the heartache and spite of misery loving company.

Divorce is expensive, messy, and potentially full of more acrimony than you may be experiencing now, believe it or not. Sharing, acknowledging, and validating your feelings, let alone someone else’s, is difficult, challenging and hard work, for sure. It may be hard to see the forest for the trees, but there can be more reward in repair and hard work than in calling it quits, dropping the real F-bomb, and sucking your bank accounts, and hearts, dry.

Notwithstanding infidelity, whose changed? Have either of you really changed, or is your relationship to date a build-up of toxic anger and unrewarded expectation because no one is sharing, communicating, or asking questions about what the other needs, feels, or what works for them.

Take time out for yourself without interruptions, noise, or screens. Don’t forget the wine, kleenex, blanket, or boxing gloves and bag–whatever you need to help you become one with your thoughts. It may sound corny, but we’re living life fast, and we give ourselves little time to think and respond. Society has become a vast abyss of immediate gratification and needing to react quick, and we’re loosing ourselves and the best things about who we are and our relationships.

Totally disconnect, so you can re-connect. Take some time with yourself to hear your own thoughts and feelings. Find a quiet, comfortable room where you can be comfortable and at peace with yourself. Here, you’ll think and connect to how you’re feeling and what you really feel and want. The goal is to break that shell of anger you’re living in, get off the roller-coaster, and get in touch with your true emotions, without letting the motion and the emotion of the moment drive you.

It will be here, in the quiet, that you’ll find space to breath, think, and really feel and acknowledge how you’re feeling, what you want, and get some clarity as to what that looks like and how you might start to see that for real, and make it happen. What’s to loose? Once you find yourself, your true self, you’ll know exactly what you want. And you’ll feel good about it. At the end of the day, it’s a win-win, because between you, the sheets, and the 4-walls, you’ll be able to say you know who you are, what you want, and that your really tried your very best.

Happy F-ing!!! (that’s finding, just to be clear! ) …Or maybe not. 🙂

Lauren Millman,
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